Emotional Regulation
I frequently get asked about emotional regulation. I’m asked about this so often that I actually created a mini e-course called Teaching Emotional Regulation. Some thoughts about this topic:
There are multiple skills at play when we talk about emotional regulation. To understand the concept of an emotion is one skill (to know what mad means conceptually). To recognize that emotion in myself is another skill (to know I feel mad when I have to go to bed). To recognize that emotion in myself in the moment is another skill (to know I am mad right now). And to verbalize that is yet another skill (to say I’m feeling mad right now because I don’t want to go to bed).
So with something as simple as not wanting to go to bed, we have multiple skills needed to communicate. If we’re tired or hungry or otherwise not at our best level of functioning, those skills are going to be even more difficult to display. Sometimes parents ask me why is it that sometimes their child goes to bed just fine and sometimes they have a tantrum? If they’re capable of the skill, are they just having a tantrum for attention? That’s a great question and helpful to think about. There are days that I, as an adult, have a lot of patience. I’m patient with my kids and spouse, I can wait on someone to change shoes 3x before we leave, and I’m understanding when someone spills a slushie in my car. Other days, I am not as patient. I want to be, but when I am tired and overstimulated and hungry and my socks feel weird, it is so much harder. Kids are the same way.
One of the best ways to teach emotional regulation is with co-regulation. Co-regulation is when your calm is contagious to another person. It’s like the customer service trick where you talk softly to someone who is yelling and they will often lower their voice. Co-regulation is the opposite of escalating the situation. It doesn’t mean that you have to be Zen master at all times, but it means showing someone you can tolerate their emotion. It might mean sitting with your child while they cry, rubbing their back when they’re upset, or allowing them to stomp if that’s what they need.
For more on emotional regulation, check out my mini course here: https://theinherentparentcoach.thinkific.com/collections
