My Toddler Is Rude To Me
Back in my day, it was called “back talk” and before I had kids I thought it would never happen to me. The first time I heard it from one of my own kids he was maybe two years old and I remember it clearly. He was in his car seat and I don’t remember specifically why he was upset with me. He yelled “RUN AWAY MAMA!” and I was dumbfounded. My husband was with me in the car and was trying not to laugh, until he heard “RUN AWAY DADDY!” Now, more than a decade later, I can laugh about it. But in the moment my mama brain’s first reaction was WHAT in the spawn of Satan JUST HAPPENED?
My therapist brain knows that at two years old, kids are beginning to individuate, or understand that they are separate beings from their parents. They’re becoming more independent and more aware of that independence. They’re also learning language and concepts incredibly fast and experimenting with cause and effect. His intention was to communicate that he wanted me away from him + bold action. And that’s exactly what he did. It was a creative use of his language and an early assertion of a boundary request. In hindsight, without the emotion and the surprise, and now knowing he hasn’t turned into a supervillain, it is pretty dang impressive!
Other phrases that I’ve had parents ask about include having kids make statements about parents dying or getting hurt, excluding them from the family, wanting to live with someone else, and the infamous “You aren’t invited to my birthday party.” (My personal favorite, because who do you think is paying for and driving you to your birthday party?)
All of this is developmentally appropriate exploration of emotion and language and boundaries. If your child actively tries to hurt you or kill you or run away, let’s have a more in-depth conversation about what’s going on. In the meantime, you can respond by saying one of the following:
That makes me sad
I love you
Thank you for letting me know how you feel
It’s okay to be mad, but that is too loud
Nothing
Do you want a few minutes to yourself?
I will always love you, even when you are mad
I know it’s disappointing that we won’t get to go to the park today.
I am disappointed about that too.
