101 Things for Kids to Try When Upset

Culturally we do a really good job of telling kids what NOT to do when they’re upset, but we don’t often give them alternatives. We say things like “it’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit” which is so true and such a nice way to normalize the feeling.

BUT, you know how when you’re so angry that you’re seeing red and you really can’t access all the cognitive information or emotional regulation skills that you have? I hate it when this happens, because in my real life I can usually communicate my needs and feelings pretty sensibly, but when I’m angry all that comes out is “I know you are but what am I?” or something equally impressive. THAT’S the state kids are in sometimes when we ask them to think of a better coping skill. They cannot. We’re asking for them to utilize higher order thinking skills and emotional maturity when their capacity is at a pretty low point. It’s sort of like if I had a rough day and had used up all my emotional energy and I came home and someone asked me to do long division. It’s just not going to happen in that moment.

I encourage parents to sit down when no one is upset and create a list of things that are okay to do when someone is upset. Not every item has to be appropriate for every setting (you can’t scream into a pillow in the middle of a math test or ride a bike at the grocery store) but you can brainstorm some options that may work at home, at school, or in the car. Having a list of approved activities means that your child doesn’t have to think when they’re overwhelmed, and neither do you.

If you aren’t sure where to start, I’ve got 101 suggestions here.