Is it okay to be upset?
When I ask kids if it’s okay to be angry, many will say no. They don’t think it’s okay to be angry or have other negative emotions, because they associate getting in trouble with times they are upset. Even though the parent is largely thinking about the action that got the kid in trouble, kids may not. Some thoughts-
It’s okay to be upset. We know that rationally, but sometimes when parents talk about emotional regulation what they really mean is “make my kid quit feeling something.” As a parent, I get it. It would be wonderful if kids never got upset about getting the blue cup or the green one, or if my tween was never irritated with me because I ask him to shower. But alas, kids are real people with real changing emotions, and they’re going to show us the best way they know how.
When an adult is upset, we usually do a lot of our process internally. Sure, I might cry or be irritable with those I love, but the ongoing monologue about how I feel largely exists only in my head. That means kids don’t get the benefit of seeing adults’ inner monologue about how they feel, why they feel that way, and what they’re doing about it. Talking aloud about your own process can help normalize emotions for your child and model for them some ways to cope.
What is it okay to do? Many times we say with good intentions “it’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit.” That’s a true statement, but it doesn’t provide other options. I encourage parents to brainstorm with their kids things that are okay to do in their home when someone is upset, and create a visual for those things. Those lists vary from family to family based on rules and logistics and safety, but some of these items may be included:
Have some alone time
Throw a wet sponge in the bathtub
Color or draw
Go outside and scream
Rip up paper
Talk about it
Squeeze a pillow or stuffed animal
Wrap up in a weighted blanket
