Problem Behaviors

One great way to conceptualize problematic behaviors with kids is to imagine it’s not you vs. your child but you and your child vs. the problem behavior. The two of you together are on the same team, and the common goal you have is the behavior that’s in the way. This approach minimizes shame and helps your child know that you’re rooting for them. It also assumes that your child wants to do well, but may not yet have the skills to do so.

If my child had a goal of getting better at basketball, shaming them or yelling at them probably wouldn’t get them any closer to their desired skill. Instead, we might spend time strategizing, practicing, or talking about basketball skills. Even though I’m not a basketball player, I could support their goal by listening to their negative and positive experiences and attempting to understand their struggles. If every time my kid talked about basketball I said “I don’t want to hear it” or “that’s not what you’re supposed to be doing”, they probably wouldn’t feel very supported in reaching their goals. If every time they missed a basket I sent them to their room, they’d probably not want to continue practicing.

Behaviors can have a similar trajectory. If I encourage my child’s basketball skills it doesn’t mean I’m condoning poor sportsmanship or cheating. If I encourage my child’s positive behaviors it doesn’t mean I’m endorsing the areas where they are lacking. When I assume that we are on the same team and working toward the same goal, ideally it helps my child know that it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to take responsibility for them, and it’s okay to seek support from others.