Separation Anxiety
Is there anything more guilt inducing than dropping off a toddler who is clinging to you, begging you not to leave? Knowing it’s developmentally appropriate for kids to go through this phase doesn’t make it any easier. In the big picture it means your child sees you as safe and comfortable and protective, but it’s hard to see that as a win when you’re late to work and your clothes are covered in snot and tears and questions about your life’s choices. There are a few keys to you and your child surviving this phase unscathed.
Always say goodbye. I know it’s tempting to sneak out when they’re distracted in a hope to minimize the tears, but it can do more harm than good. Saying goodbye may be difficult, but it also lets kids know they can count on you to not abandon them without notice.
Let kids know what to expect. When my first child went to preschool for the first time at 2 years old, he was anxious. Fortunately they had a day where kids and parents could come and see the classroom and spend some time in it together before the first day of school. Unfortunately he thought that’s what every day would be like- he and I going to preschool. It took a lot of repetition for him to remember that I was going to drop him off, I was going to work, and then I would return to get him. We never know what kids are assuming, and if we don’t tell them what to expect sometimes their fears are things we’d never consider, like leaving them there forever.
Keep it short and sweet. Preschool teachers will tell us that once the goodbye is over, most kids are okay and playing with friends fairly quickly. In an effort to soothe our kids we tend to stay and prolong the inevitable, which can make their reaction bigger and last longer. If we can get out of the way it hopefully allows the teachers to soothe kids and get them into their regular morning routine. For kids the majority of kids who bounce back quickly after their parent leaves, it’s usually well worth the few minutes of anxiety for a few hours of fun.
It’s great for attachment. Many well-meaning parents of anxious kids want to keep them at home to avoid the anxiety. While that may seem attuned to the child’s needs, it can also reinforce the idea that the child isn’t safe away from their parent(s), and increase the anxiety long term. It’s great practice for kids to be with other safe adults and know that it is safe to try new or scary things. One of the best ways for kids to learn healthy attachment is for their primary caregiver to leave and come back.
Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing something amazing for your child when you’re allowing them to socialize with peers, learn how to follow directions, experience new things, be independent, and learn who they are apart from their parent(s). It also helps adults be better parents when we have time away to recharge and not constantly be in parent mode. Hopefully we can return eager to see our kids, and them eager and happy to see us.
