Sex Talk Topic Checklist

I’ve been talking to parents about talking to kids about sex and safety for nearly 20 years. In that time, I’ve gotten pretty comfortable talking about touchy subjects. When I started working at a counseling agency right out of graduate school I had no idea what I was doing. I was working with child victims of crime, about 75% of which had some sexual abuse history. At the time I didn’t know what constituted healthy sexual development vs problem sexual behaviors, and I wasn’t comfortable talking about or asking about many of these topics.

I read everything I could get my hands on and started attending as many trainings as I could afford so that I could learn more. I was on the local multidisciplinary team that staffed cases of child abuse and neglect, and I built relationships with people in law enforcement, prosecution, the children’s advocacy center, CPS, the school system, and other mental health providers. I listened in my agency’s staff meetings and tried to learn from more seasoned therapists about what was developmentally appropriate. I nervously talked to kids and families about sexual behaviors and traumas.

Now, nearly two decades later, I’m comfortable asking a teen if they’re using protection when they’re having sex, or discussing with a family what their safeguards are to ensure their child doesn’t get exposed to pornography online. I can tell parents which books about sexual development are good, and which ones reinforce shame or harmful gender stereotypes.

What I can’t do is have these conversations in place of parents. If you want to shape the narrative and steer conversations toward health and communication, these conversations really need to come from parents. You’re the only ones who know what values you want to include in your child’s understanding of sex, reproduction, abuse, and relationships. You’re the one we want them to open up to if and when they have an issue.

If you’d like support on talking to your kids, check out my extensive e-course Talking to Kids About Sex and Safety or My Child Saw Porn: Now What? In the meantime, take advantage of this sex talk topic checklist to make sure you’re covering all the important pieces.