Teaching Boundaries
It is honestly unfair that we are the ones responsible for teaching kids to have boundaries and listen to their instincts AND we have to get them to listen to us when we need something. Those things are fundamentally in opposition to each other sometimes. Once when we were at the beach I told my preschooler that it was almost time to get out of the pool and go inside. He grinned and said “but I’m the boss of my own body!”
He wasn’t wrong. And yet, he’d been in the pool for approximately one million hours, he was shriveled like a raisin, baking in the sun, it was almost dinner time and it was not inappropriate for me to set the limit, much to his objection. So what do we do in these situations? I do genuinely want kids to know they’re the boss of their bodies. And I do genuinely want them to get out of the pool when it’s time.
What I said that day, when I was exhausted and likely dehydrated and impatient and hot was “well I’m the boss of consequences, so if you don’t get out of the pool we won’t be able to get back in the pool tomorrow.” That worked and he got out at the appropriate time. In hindsight I think that was fine, but not ideal. I don’t want my kids to think their bodily autonomy is arbitrary or that I don’t care about their opinions. In hindsight, I wish I’d said something more like “it’s my job to keep you healthy and safe. That means we need to go inside and rest and eat so that we’ll be strong and able to swim tomorrow.”
Of course not every strategy works for every kid or every situation, but here are some thoughts.
Consent is an ongoing conversation, not just a one time thing. There are a lot of ways we can incorporate consent, like asking our kids if their body feels full or hungry instead of deciding for them, and listening when they say to stop tickling them.
It’s okay to have limits to consent. For example: my kids get to make choices about who can touch their bodies and how they can touch them, but not when it comes to vaccines. In that case, their doctors and their dad and I make the decisions based on what’s in their best interests. I say “it’s my job to keep you healthy and safe”. That includes removing a tick from their skin, not letting them run in the street, and even sometimes making them get out of the pool.
We can be clear about under what conditions they have autonomy. Don’t want to make your bed? That’s okay at our house. Don’t want your brother to sleep in your bed? Absolutely something you get to choose. You’d prefer having your back scratched at bedtime, but don’t want me to lie down with you? Thanks for telling me. Want to eat a diet of only fruity pebbles and chips? I can’t give you full control there.
For kids and adults, bodily autonomy is not without consequences. I can choose to jump out of a plane with a faulty parachute if I want to, but just because I want to do that doesn’t mean I should. If my kids choose to leave for school without a jacket, they may very well be cold. Sometimes respecting their bodily autonomy and boundaries means being okay with the natural consequences that come with them. I’m showing them I trust them to know what their body needs. Other consequences could be that we can’t swim tomorrow if we can’t get out of the pool today, or I don’t buy Oreos again if they eat the entire package in one go.
It’s also okay to specifically say that kids never have to allow anyone else to touch their bodies in any way that makes them uncomfortable.
