Testing Limits
A teacher friend says that kids are like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, continually checking the fence at the perimeter to see where there are any weak spots. There’s something about that analogy that I love, because no one thinks wild animals are being bad or disrespectful, they’re just being wild animals doing what they do. And it turns out, it’s hard work to contain wild animals.
I think this perspective is important because if we enter a limit testing situation knowing that our kids are naturally inclined to test things and they’re doing their jobs, the outcomes are likely to go a little better than if we enter thinking our kids are out to get us and ruin our lives.
Here’s how I tend to talk with parents and kids about limits.
Why are there certain limits? There are three main reasons.
Sometimes it’s to keep kids safe (you can’t run into the street because you could get hurt)
Other times, it’s to protect someone else’s health or mental health (ie if you try to practice the kazoo inside all day, I’m eventually going to need to put a limit there for my sanity), and
Sometimes it’s to comply with social norms (we listen when the teacher is talking so that we understand what to do, but also it’s respectful)
When can we have flexibility in limits?
For me, it’s most likely the third situation above. We often have wiggle room to challenge social norms when they aren’t related to safety for the child or for others. If we’re at the library story time and everyone is asked to sit to listen to a story, I can be flexible if you’d rather stand and wiggle while you listen.
Why do kids need to test limits?
They want to understand the world around them. For some, it’s knowing if adults mean what we say. This can be really important to help kids know we’ll keep them safe. For others, it can be about knowing where they can exert some power and control in their lives.
How can I give them an opportunity to have power and control when the limit isn’t one I’m willing to be flexible on?
You don’t have to give in to pressure about letting a kid run into traffic, but you might give them a choice over how they stay safe. Do they choose to be carried or do they want to hold your hand? One of my kids liked to hold on to my purse strap, and that was fine by me because he could generally be trusted to do that.
In other words, the limit still exists and the expectation is that it must be followed. The child has no choice in that part, only in how to follow it.
Can I revoke a child’s power and control? It seems like it’s too much
When kids cannot be trusted to be safe, they no longer get a choice on that. So if my kid says he’ll hold my hand to cross the street, but he darts into traffic instead, now he loses the option of choosing. For now, I’ll carry him or put him in a stroller/cart when crossing the street until he’s a little older. Maybe he can get a choice about what toy or snack he’d like to bring with him.
